My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
