I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
