Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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