oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
