upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
