I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
