the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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