i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
