Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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