My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So gin and wine won't be happening again
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
