If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
