If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
