My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
