I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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