Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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