I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
