in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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