Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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