Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
