I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
