I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
