all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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