Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
