Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
