my sisters under your porch take her home
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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