Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
