I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
