Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
