Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
