is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
