so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
