Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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