I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
