we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
