the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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