Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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