News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
