If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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