I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
