I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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