i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
