Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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