Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
