I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i came on her dog
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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