Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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