the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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