mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
