I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
