Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
