I just saw a hot homeless man
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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