Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i drank out of a bidet.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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